In part 3 of our Conflict Resolution series, we are going to Identify what is driving the other person’s behavior. Once you can Identify what might be causing them to act that way – that knowledge can help you resolve the conflict.
Using this tactic may not resolve every conflict, but you will be surprised how often it works. Read on to discover the surprising underlying emotion in most conflicts.
Recently, I had a coaching session with a client whom we will call Jim. Jim wanted to talk about two main issues that he was struggling with. The first issue was a difficult boss at work and the second issue was his ‘Helicopter’ parents.
The Difficult Boss
Jim works in computer technology. He has struggled with his boss for the entire time he has had this job. The boss will not take suggestions from other team members. He always shoots down ideas on how things might be improved, and he goes out of his way to make sure he gets the credit for any good that comes from his team.
During the conversation I discovered that the boss was almost a complete generation older than other members on his team and he seemed to have difficulty keeping up or implementing new technology.
At this point in my coaching session with Jim, I asked him one simple question. “What do you think are your boss’s fears?” After discussing it for a while, it was simple to Identify some of his boss’s fears. Here are some likely fears that we Identified:
- Fear that he could lose his position
- Fear that he would become irrelevant
- Fear of being not fully qualified to be the boss
- Fear of being passed over for a promotion
- Fear that he would look bad if he let the other team members shine
After we Identified the bosses likely fears, it was easy to also Identify simple things that Jim could do to calm his boss’s fears. Things like:
- Express appreciation to the boss for teaching and mentoring
- Validate his ideas and contributions
- Do little things to make him feel relevant
- Give him ample credit when it is appropriate
- Be willing to spend time teaching him about the technology and its abilities to improve the workplace and systems
Helicopter Parents to Adult Children
Jim went on to talk about the situation with his parents.
He felt they were overly controlling in their adult children’s lives. It was like they were still being treated like minor children living at home in many ways. Jim told of one sibling who wanted to build their home near the parents, so they gifted him enough property to build on. Yet years later, the parents had yet to deed the property over to the child. He felt like they were trying to retain control of the children’s lives.
I asked Jim questions to get some background on the family situation. I discovered that one of the children had some serious medical difficulties from an early age. Much of the family’s resources was dedicated to this one child. I am sure that situation affected family vacations and even sports or dance classes the children could participate in. Jim told me his mother often said she felt she had ignored Jim growing up and felt guilty that he spent so much time waiting in the car while they did Doctors appointments and therapy.
I’ll bet you can guess what I asked Jim at this point in our session. I asked him that one simple question. “What do you think are your Parents’ fears?”
After discussing it for a while, it was pretty simple to Identify some of his Parents’ fears. Here are some likely fears that we Identified:
- Fear that the other children were left out while caring for the child with extra needs
- Fear that the other children did not get enough love and attention
- Fear that they failed the other children as Parents.
Jim left that session with a new insight into his parent’s behavior. He could see that his parents were likely trying to make up for their self-perceived failure as parents while the children were younger.
Jim planned to tell his parents how amazing they were and how he admired them for showing him by example how to be a truly great parent by the way they managed to care for all of their children’s needs. He also planned to find every opportunity to show and express gratitude and love for the way his parents raised all the children.
When we take the time to Identify the fears of the other person – we can often resolve a conflict by speaking to their fears. When they no longer have fears, the difficult behaviors will often disappear.
Let’s take one more example from Mother Nature.
People who hike in the backcountry know that the most dangerous animal is a mother bear with her cubs. She is aggressive and will attack at a moment’s notice.
This is definitely a situation for your conflict resolution skills! Just ask yourself, why is ‘Momma Bear’ afraid? Obviously, she fears for the safety of her babies.
When you can assure mother bear that she and her babies are safe, you are not likely to have any problems with “Momma Bear!”
People, like momma bears can be difficult to be around when they are afraid. You can try to reason with momma bear all day long and she will be impossible to deal with until you take away her fears. Humans are not so different in that respect. When you can address the fear or you can remove the fear, the other person will work with you in a completely different way.
The moral to all three of these examples is to IDENTIFY why this person in in fear.
People do not see things as they are. We see things as WE ARE. From our own experiences, our values, our beliefs, our lessons in life. We all have our own criteria of how we see things. This means that we all see things from a different set of rules or criteria. We must be willing to see things from the other point of view if we really want to resolve conflict. Being able to Identify where their fear may be coming from will allow you to address the conflict differently. When you can identify the underlying issues, you are able to have clear communication and resolve the differences or at least agree to disagree on what you are in conflict over.
Let’s review the steps to take when we Identify the underlying fear fueling the conflict:
Why are they afraid?
- Why is this behavior showing up?
- What do they fear about this?
- How could I do things differently?
- What can I do to remove the fear and get back to addressing the issue?